I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
