We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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