How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
