Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
