I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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