im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
