just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
