dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
