Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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