Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
