1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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