alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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