he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
