Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
