Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
