I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
