I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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