she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
