So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i think my cat just said my name.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
