Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
