you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
