So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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