when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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