So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
