i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You did what with his pubic hair?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
