Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
