I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
