if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
