the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
