mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i now understand why vodka
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
