I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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