I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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