The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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