somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
