I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
