Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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