I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
