I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
