why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
