Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
