im six kinds of drunk right now
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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