Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
