mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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