Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Life is so much better after having sex.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
