Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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