I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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