You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
