Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
