Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
