I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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