Barsexuality is the new black.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
