I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
